“Itni shiddat se maine to kisi ko na chaha….” the waving sore of sea memorise the most beautiful lines said by me on Farewell Party when younger friends clinched on hilarious “Dare” task upon me. The halcyon rhyme from breeze air knocked to soul door and tier from the love blossom had recalled.
Her dark almond shaped eyes, long black hairs waving on back, cherry lips and beautiful curved of smile are enough to make any engineering guy of campus fall for her. Of course I too fall in love at first sight, though I have a long list of girlfriends including a serious hurt break. But this was different, feeling rises from the soul drizzle to heart and a sensational love begins from very first encounter in mess, when I turned to have a look on laughing girl on jokes just said by herself. OMG!! She was the girl chuckling breathlessly. Her hands were raising in air like a flying angel, it was 1:30 pm in her wrist watch the classical model, ‘It might be her gifted one’ I guessed and thanked to 3 idiots movie ‘Neha’ for revealing concept behind blood relations. Her sparkling teeth of front two adjacent together bright her beauty more. Slowly there bunch ‘Mahila Mandal’ passed near to me and the ‘just happens love’s beloved’ first eye glanced upon me, that was stunning. I expected for breeze of fresh lively wind as in the Bollywood movie happens but she made me blue moon by act, I geared up by moment and found two more gazing people, I blinked once. Twice, thrice and hang on a second I was knocked on my heelswhen they smiled and spoke out together ‘seems too good’. My thought wrapped around her and the two monster expressions pointed we were on same page. The giant of girl hunter was catch up in the worlds amazing feeling so called ‘love’ again. Though I changed into ‘love’ chaser and compelled my buddies. It was terrific to do crazy things by first day of college.
We three followed the ‘crazy crackers group’ of college which I get to know by next week. Unfortunately ended up just before the ‘restricted for boys spot’ GH. I cursed the sign board which made me not to move a single feet, though at the end of the day I found her glimpse when she turned to lock the door of ‘wait until my I come out’. Love is like wine, as much you realize fall more and after a moment lost all sense of presence. My ‘vodka’ poured out when my buddy shrugged me and stated, ‘Bhai evening me dekh lena, vo bhi hosteller hi hai’ Himanshu 18 years old kid, youngest and funniest friend dragged me to hostel with help of Aksh, impossible to be serious guy. We were sited on bed, often I remain quite but today it’s pathetic to see those two trackers of my way. Their silence was fishy, neither talking nor exchanging any glance. Thus I braked the ice, ‘Guys she hasdriven me bananas, and it seems I am goanna out.’ And hands down. Aksh checked me out but Himanshu blank looked ‘Hold your horses!’ But next a moment they laugh out loud together and promised me for inside scoop of that ‘just met’ girl. And I owed grand party, the exact equation between friends, every good thing leads to the Party.
Time flues, I involved more, café to stationary, mess to ground, college to bunk place I found her all over the place. And one day accidently we have eye to eye during P.I. for theatre club. Surprisingly I too was in judge panel, because of my first impression to Culture affaire Minister and some past deeds. Audition was about to close, the final contestant entered, and seated just front of me. Checking her name, I looked at her and shock was shaking hand on time, the girl of my dream was just front of my eyes. My heart beat skipped whether in joy or tremor, I wished to propose her and took away. My mind stopped working, thus heart was playing a crucial role for final interview with emotions and obviously ‘love’.
‘Then what’s your good name please?’ I asked casually as we were close friends meeting after a decay. Although we were too much closed in dream tale but unfortunately genuinely we don’t know each other.
‘Vasudha, 2nd year student.’ She smiled and hold the situation which was ruling out just before her answer. ‘Where do you live?’ my mind asked, while panellist stayed upon me to continue her Interview.
‘Sir she belongs to Nepal.’ Nidhi only girl panellist provoked.
‘Wow! Another adventure into dream.’ I thought and responded smile. After few more questions she done with audition and walked out. The result was out very soon, as I wished and her superb PI made her in.
My dream was shaping another world, through it was one sided but now changed by storing her voice during our small conversations. Being introvert and nervous in front of her, I rarely approached to her and resultant she became yellow streak of my life. My eagerness to be with her increased, thus I ignored my weakness, and tried to make out a conversation during a trip but it did not work again because of my nervousness (quite as mouse guy) and her boldness. I brought gift for her from that place without knowing anybody but couldn’t gift her.
Time changed, the theatre group guessed my crush on her, cock and bull story went rumour and boys puffed up while making fun to her. And the limit happens when they give her task to ‘propose me’ in ‘Dare’. She did but Ihave an egg on the face as people raped my feeling front of thousands of knowing person. And it hints her about my feelings for her that cost me her ignorance. Somehow the two monsters arranged to leave us together after dinner party and as usual it ruined again. I was facing the music being loser in love but my feelings never lose the grip. After the party she send a message to me by source ‘I don’t feel safe in present of yours please keep maintain distance.’ The words of her ended up a bone of contention ‘what she thinks about me’ and left only shades of alone nowhere in dreams also. A writer all need some respect from his beloved and understanding I went a queer face, all things were fool’s paradise only and broken in pieces at all.
However I controlled my tears at a rehearsal, when I heard and let her words slide. I moved on from place in search of heaven for tears. The tears was struggling to me while I fumbled on stairs of outdoor and followed the way leads to hostel. While threaded my way out I overheard my name twice by someone, but I was not enough strong to say a word. ‘I don’t feel safe….’ I kept repeating the words just hurt me more than anything in world. This was not because she picked me for pieces but throwing bounce by someone else’s. Her glimpse from the first day to till just a moment behind when I asked to her for any doubt on role. She just nodded as everything cleared as white. I found a silence in her eyes when she ignored my look.
‘Ok guys! Play final time then we have our dinner!’ I announced and rush to operating transitions. Someone followed me and he delivered her massage. ‘I don’t feel…’ my silence scream, lay at my doorstep, unheard. I cried whole night thus my tears dried many times. Sometimes tears rolled down the cheeks and wet the pillow cover. ‘Do I deserve it?’ ‘What did I do exactly?’ ‘Is being so shy and reserve guy have not feelings?’ My painful but plain thought eff and blinding me.
When the two monster came and up-sate the apple cart themselves, ‘Fever and headache don’t disturb me right now.’ I stated and slam the door. Next day they were leaving for join competition while I was laid on bed still skim through her words. I messaged over WhatsApp for ‘Sorry! Team can’t join you because of bad health, happy journey, all the best Team.’ I wished not to spread story behind my unexpected illness. After they depart I unlocked the door. This was quite rare moment when I have took more than 18 hours sleep. My body was paining badly and head was supposed to blast. Such a bad hangover without drink. What exactly it was!
I managed courage to reach the washroom and stand by griping tape. While rotating tape my eyes stayed on tape flowing water, I found it was between many layered the collaboration of thin and thick layers.
‘Dear! Each one have different DNA, their think, their feelings, and demands! Look at yourself you love to dream and think, and then shape them into story. You make characters by your choice, freely, happily or a silent bugger’ But she? She is totally like the falling drop of water from taps. She love to enjoy living moments, party hard. But simplicity both were the common slider between us. Only one! Is it enough to being part of life? No, never she might have same perspective about you, so now stopped blaming you & yourself after all you can’t have your cake and the topping, too’. My mind taught me lesson and I faced myself on Mirror, OMG! Swallow eyes and pale face was explaining my situation. I tried to check out my fake smile and moved to join the world.
However I jumped off in my business but heal from flashback was not so easy, she was everywhere Café to Stationary, Mess to ground & college to Bunk place were only spot of mine where I go except my room. And every place have story related to her i.e. exchanging glance, chit-chats, making fun, so the only way to overcome was avoiding until very important.
The battle between my one sided love and her slapped word ‘I don’t…’ was began. Things crawled, I cut off my world, and do myself limited to books, writing and college. Through her look was as important as ever, it was tonic to energetic me but scares also to remind words like poison ‘I don’t feel…’. Thus I am still addicted to check her status on WhatsApp.
The news of my break up without consideration spread in campus by source, ‘It is just rumour’ was my statement, on the urge of crush. My friends potential lost on commit persistence. So they too left me as I can’t change.
Resultant very soon I became the solitary king of Imagination Empire, where I was everything with lots of impossible zeal thoughts and feeling to living them. Of course my beloved too was there with me without any complain. Truly sometimes I miss her Real world act but happy at all.
In order to make my dream come true, I decided to silhouette my dream in real by the end of my college life I have proposed a business plan and started tracing people to invest on project. Also I had done my book on college life just before the farewell and dedicated to my crush and promised myself ‘not to come back in her world’ by now but influence of her was everywhere in my life. Thinking of any female character, her name came at top but rather than being nervous I do just smile and back to seat. It was a hard meditation. Just after the college life I got an unexpected proposal from a business man for my project but he wanted me to set up at their place. This was from a mid-aged business, a book worm and literature lover from neighbour country taking steps to go for offer was so tough just not because rather I was totally new for background, but my promise ‘not to enter her world’ was pretending. But I accepted as no way left. Thus fear of facing her nowhere was screwing me daily. I was striking up daily with emotions and memories recall again, the place which was much closed to me, which was browsed millions of time at the time and dreamed to have a cup of coffee with her, I wished to see her once whenever I went to coffee shop and restaurant. The mind and heart were puzzled between fear and HOPE, mind was fearful to face but heart was excited to see her again.
Three year has been passed as of now, I am awaiting to see her just sitting at the lake side to her nearest place. In hope of at least her a look and the pleasant smile. Through I am still not sure if I could talk her or she would utter a word. May be she have tie-knot to her ‘I like someone else’ guy or looking for ‘unpredicted’ things as she don’t know what she will do after a span of time. Either she would be repeating history by ignoring me or ‘don’t recognise’. So many un-matched silly thoughts but probable are drifting me out. I am on top of business, now this country people are loving me, and showing their blessings, but I am still paused on ‘unexpected’ wish.
The sun is about to set, the sky went on reddish then velvet, wave of sea sparks joyfully and bided ‘bye’ in hope of another day spark and bright time under his light with rays, the most rare couple on the earth. I too off to my house with lots of dream. Ambition and HOPE which make me to come ‘SARHAD KE PAR’